Blissgasm...
That voice in my head is back, “I have to shake this one off. I need some moral support. Whatever you do don’t call Roy he won’t be helpful. Joe, call Joe.”
Dialing… “You have reached the voi…”click,
“Fuck Joe.”
Dialing…”Hello.”
“Roy, it’s Rich, we need to talk”
“Dude what did you do this time”
“Just shut the fuck up and listen.”
You know those times in your life when you have been in a relationship for a while and you just get, well, comfortable. You pick up little habits, gestures, reflections of the other person that don’t necessarily translate to anyone other than the person you are with. It might be the way you fall asleep together, the way your feet just happen to cross one and others under the sheets, or the way her head just fits under your arms when you put your arm around her. These are the things that make relationships worth being in. But, how awkward is it when that person is gone and you start all over with a new girl. All of a sudden she doesn’t like your feet touching her when you sleep, or you just happen to let out a little sigh when you hug her tight for the first time.
Hugs are a very crucial part to the beginning of any physical relationship. It is the building blocks of getting comfortable enough with another person to let them touch you. Hugging starts at such a young age, subconsciously we have years of experience hugging others, how to hug them, how long, how tight, where to put your hands. Still despite my years of experience I recently had one of the most awkward hugs in my entire life. Before we get to that though, I want to go over, from a guys perspective what different hugs mean, if, for no other reason, to further embarrass myself at the end of this story.
The most basic of hugs is something I like to call the side-hug. This is the most basic hug in the book. This is a complete sign of friendship and nothing else. Guys, if you are trying to get a feel for a girl and she side hugs you, things are going well from a romantic standpoint. The side hug is a one handed maneuver where the guys hand goes around the girls head and the girls goes around the guys waste. A slight pull is executed so that the side of the hugger’s hips touches briefly. Now the next iteration of the side hug is for closer friends and the only difference is that the girls arm goes around the guy’s neck and the guys arm goes around the girls waste. This is still using just one arm, but it does set you up for a cheek kiss if one is necessary. Again, guys, if you only get one arm in regardless of location, whether it is high or low, you are in the friend zone. Deal with it.
Now the next step in hugging is the double arm variation. This is where you are wrapping both arms around the person you are hugging and squeeze. Now the first part of this hug is when the guy hugs a girl around the neck and the girls arms are around the guys waste. This is the perfect hug for the end of a first date that was completely mediocre. No fireworks. No fist fights. Just vanilla. This hug is safe. As a guy, it shows you that the girl is comfortable with you touching her, but she isn’t that into you yet. If you see a girl go for your waist and you are planning on kissing her guys, you should strongly reconsider. Now the final and best type of hug is when the girl wraps both arms around a guys neck and pulls you in close. Guys this is when you put your arms around her hips and let her start getting used to having your hands in the vicinity of her ass. Now girls, this might come as a shock to some of you, but you have a secret weapon when this hug is deployed. It’s called the boob press. When you are into a guy and hug him, as a queue that you are ready for the hug to end, you will press just your chest into his, essentially pressing your boobies into his heart and then release. Guys, if you happen to ever get boob pressed you are so in.
So now that we are all squared away on body language and hugs let’s get back to that conversation between Roy and me. I had been out of a particular relationship for a while, but I was just starting to date a new girl. I still had all of the old habits from the old relationship fresh in my mind. I hadn’t made my move with the new girl yet, and one night after a particularly good date, I decided it was the perfect timing for that first kiss. She was leaving my house and I was walking her to her car. It came time for the hug. Her arms went high, awesome, I let my hands slide down from the top of her shoulders to the very small of her back. Our eyes met, both glistening with anticipation, our breathing deepened momentarily, our bodies were now meshed together, I had picked her up slightly off of the ground for and then set her down, there it was, the boob press. I was so in. I pull her in close…”hhmmmmmmmm.”
My eyes shot open. That voice in my head that is constantly running chimes in, “Uhhh Richard, (yes I talk to myself in the third person) what the fuck was that? You did not just hhmmmmmm on this girl. Oh shit, you did, you hmmmmmed all over her. Jesus you are lame.” Now for those of you unfamiliar with this hhmmmmmm sound that really does not translate well in text. It is that sound you make when you are with someone for a long time and just the feeling of them next to you sends you into bliss. The noise is half of a blissful sigh and half orgasm. We can call it a blisgasm for the remainder of this tale actually. So I end up quasi pushing this girl away out of sheer panic. No kiss. Hell, I couldn’t even find the words to say goodnight. Just me standing there waiting, wishing, that she did not just hear me blisgasm while hugging her good-bye. She got into her car and drove away.
I was left standing in my driveway, alone. I had just prematurely groanjacualted during a hug that should have lead to our first kiss. I am going to be single forever. I am going to live with my mother, her 8 cats, and have the highlight of my week be wearing my nice pair of pleated khakis to starbucks on the weekend for a five dollar mocha frappacino’s. Fuck.Me.Running. Seriously.
10 minutes later.
“I can’t believe you hhmmmmmmmed all over that girl. You are going to be single forever.”
Thanks Roy.
